in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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