Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
