Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
