worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
