Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
