You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
