If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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