I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
