I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize