My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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