Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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