his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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