does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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