I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
