don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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