I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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