I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just took my morning after pill in the library
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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