I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
