Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
