Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
