On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
