Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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