Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't deserve a penis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
