if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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