best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
