Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
