Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
