I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
