Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
