oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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