You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize