just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize