Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
