i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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