Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
