i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he was CRYING into my vagina
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
