the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just threw up on my dentist
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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