i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
