I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
