Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
