i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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