His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
