i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
not ubering you a puppy
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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