M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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