why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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