Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
