I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
