Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
