If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
