On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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