I faked an abortion last night.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
