Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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