My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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