I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
