So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
