I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
